Today.... well so far... has been odd. I’ve been harboring some very... lets say...rare feelings as of late. im currently at school and have done a few things in this past two hours that are completely out of character.
first, was smoking. i had three cigarettes in he past two hours. That’s two more than I’ve had all year... i sat down and smoked
it all spiraled downhill from there.
while listening to music i stared having these rather weird thoughts... very negative ones. i just felt like the mark of the quintessential tool.
i have this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach... and I started pulling out all these rather dark thoughts of self disgust and anger and a variations of emotions that are pitiful and counter-productive to my stature as a human being.
i don’t know what possessed me to feel this way... but it resulted in one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done...
While sitting on a bench i found this push pin in my backpack, and i got it and started scraping at my wrist... i kept repeating this action until visible marks of it started to show. What followed that was the droplets of blood. it flooded out a little easier... when i spotted someone from one of my classes... I suddenly snapped out of this moronic trance and hid the shame of what i had done and started talking to her like as if nothing had happened... i then excused myself and went into the bathroom to clean up this stupid mistake....
Now im here... writing of it... looking at my own stupidity and self destruction....
i feel like less of a person... i don’t like it...
suddenly... life doesn’t seem so important.. and it kills me to say that... and i know that’s not what i want... death... so it's sort of an idiotic paradox, now isnt it?

goodness, im a fool....